I really want to blog - and I really don’t at the same time…
It’s usually my desire to be as uplifting as possible (for an overly dramatic, melancholy poet), and I just know where my mind is today…so forgive me if I’m a downer.
Twelve years ago yesterday, I lost a baby. That date was also my brother’s birthday and as he only lived for seven days, this time of the year is difficult…
It wasn’t that a miscarriage is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person…a woman. It wasn’t even that it was a mid-term miscarriage, so I had to go through labor and delivery. It wasn’t just that I really wanted that child and had been trying to get pregnant for quite a while…
It was more that I was completely unprepared.
Unprepared for how physically traumatic the experience would be - I heard miscarriage talked about like it was no big deal…or maybe it was just my own ignorance.
Unprepared for the deep sense of loss that I would feel - the loss of a relationship that I had developed in such a short time…a bond that was stronger than I imagined it would be with someone I hadn’t even met yet.
Unprepared for the insensitivity of others, who meant well, but only made things worse by saying things like: “Well, at least it wasn’t a real child…” or “At least you didn’t ever get to know it before you lost it…” or worse still, “Maybe God’s trying to tell you something…”
I was completely unprepared for how unprepared I felt.
I don’t know why this is on my mind today. Maybe because I’ve been sick all week and my mind has had too much time to think. It’s just that that experience was one that caused me to grow up and realize that life is full of opportunities…
Opportunities to go one way or the other. Opportunities to learn…to empathize with the pains and hurts of others. Opportunities to grow bitter…or better. Every lesson in life gives us the gift of seeing life through less clouded eyes - eyes that understand that everyone has pain…everyone has secrets…everyone has a story.
Life is filled with choices…with crossroads - things that we experience that can begin to define us.
One thing my miscarriage reminds me of when I think about it today, is that I want to be defined - not by my pain, not by my scars - but by how much I love. And every hurt is an opportunity for me to live more in love than I did before.
The past couple of years have held more hurts than I’ve ever experienced in the previous 30 plus years combined, and I’m learning and trying to embrace these hurts as more and more opportunities. I’ve been blessed with an abundance of opportunities to walk in love…remember grace…practice forgiveness. I’m not saying that I always choose to function in these, but God has seen fit to give me lots of practice.
So, today - the day after - I celebrate the pains of life. I embrace God’s grace that allows me to keep learning. I choose to learn to love more, forgive more, understand more…
…because we all have a story - and every day means that the story is not over yet!
So, here’s to learning, to growing…and to loving more and more. It truly does win - and it’s the only thing that can cover all the hurts and pain. They don’t disappear entirely, but they can become trophies of grace and reminders of mercy.
And it’s because of grace and mercy that I can love…and say, “it is well with my soul”…
…and it is.
Peace.
Thanks for writing this…your honesty is inspiring and encouraging to everyone. Praying for you- Monica
We grieve until we no longer need to grieve, to do anything less is cheating ourself in our own life. If we did not grieve, how can we find inner peace, celebrate us, and our life?
Those who were so insensitive, they are doing the best they can with what they have to work with. For you, how could you know how you would feel? We like to project how we will be, but until a tragedy happens, we really do not know.
You are honoring your life and everyone who is a part of your life when you pause to remember, that is one way we express grace in our life.
Beautiful…I’m touched. My wife lost her first husband nine years ago in a tragic car accident. Tough times then and every birthday that passes, every anniversary missed, every time their song is played…I know she remembers him…and that’s ok with me. Because she should. Thanks for writing…and please know that by sharing your thoughts today you’ve made me reflect, struggle with a response, and appreciate my wife all the more-Darren
I don’t even know what to say but know that I love you and always pray for you. The pains of life never go away but your grace in the midst of it all is amazing to me.
I am amazed by your strength and courage! You encouraged me today to love even when it hurts, especially when it hurts! Love you, girl!
Your blog always touches me in many ways…I laugh, I cry, I’m encouraged and inspired!…Before my last pregnany with my youngest boy, I went through two miscarriages. They were both early (within the first 3 months). Sometimes I got that feeling from people that it wasn’t a very big deal…and that hurt, because it was a huge deal to me!
Thank you for writing this post…it brought tears to my eyes. The part I will remember most is when you said…”every hurt is an opportunity for me to live more in love than I did before”…
You’re in my prayers~
I can’t tell you how much your blog entry meant to me, today. (believe me, I cannot) … I admire your courage and willingness to share such a painful chapter of your life. I’ve been wallowing in self pity for well over a week. I feel so lost. Your blog provided a much needed perspective on my own crossroads…
I’m sorry for your pain and hurts but grateful that you understand how to ‘walk in love’. It’s been a long time since I’ve remembered what that means.
I hope tomorrow you will awaken renewed, well rested, and feeling healthy.
Thank you again.
I always read your blogs - they make me laugh, think, cry and have so many sorts of emotions. I don’t normally post a comment but this one touched my heart. I too went through a mid-term miscarriage - 20 weeks along. It happened just this past December 11th. You are right, people can be insensitive in the most caring sort of way. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in this journey.
Hope you feel better soon.
I am so so sorry for the pain you had to endure as a result of this loss. Thank you for being willing to share; your strength and your words will be an encouragment to the many women who will read this blog and either suffer a similar experience or know someone who does. It has been a great encouragment to me…
-Heather
Angie,
I lost a baby full term on Dec 10, 1995. We had only been Christians 4 months. The only thing I knew and still know to do is cling to God.
Every year gets better but on that day I always remember her curly red hair, her so sad expression on her face as I held her until her body cooled…..
I know people try to comfort with words but they miss the mark sometimes. I’ll remember you and Byron this time of year and know that Jim and I share your loss.
I love you
Colleen
Angie, Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurts. You are an encouragement to me in so many ways. Love you.