We sang a song today…

I know I’m not the first to mention this song in a blog…not even the first in my “toolbar” of blogs.  Josh and Alison speak of it ….and I’ve been moved, of course, by it’s poetic lyrics and power….“How He loves…”

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a dry spell lately with my blog, but Byron mentioned in his message this morning - “God always brakes the silence with Jesus”…so, I suppose I should do no less.

“He is jealous for me - loves like a hurricane…I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy…”

I’ve listened and I’ve sung.  I’ve worshipped  and led in worship absorbing myself in words that others have written…even while knowing they could have come from my own soul.  I’ve wanted to sing of God’s love for us…knowing it’s true - yet often feeling like the Psalmist crying out, “My God, why have You forsaken me…”

“…all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory…
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me…”

These “afflictions”…what afflictions?

…to the casual observer that may be the question - “What afflictions?”

God has blessed me…I know this - 4 beautiful and uniquely wonderful children who love God and others, a great marriage, a lovely home…great church, great ministry…

…and yet my afflictions are often so close to me…so visceral, that I feel them with each breath…

I have been paralyzed by my personal struggles…asking God - like Paul - “remove this please…”, yet He seems silent.

“…so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest…
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way…
He loves us…”

I don’t have time for regrets, I know this…but, still the struggle remains in my self-centeredness….

Last night as I listened to the music set for this morning, as I do every Saturday night…I struggled with every word of this song - for some reason…feeling like I was wrestling…fighting…sinking…

Then, the final words sunk into me - words that weren’t even going to be sung this morning, so I almost didn’t hear them….but, I did hear them…and I wept under the weight of them:

“Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
…They want to tell me You’re cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he’d say it’s not true, ’cause…He loves us.”

Then, I got up and sang from my soul…with all of my questions and struggles…I just sang.

…and I listened.  And God did what He does….

He broke through the deafening silence…with Jesus.

…and that’s enough - enough for this day.

Peace.