Archive for the 'grace' Category

Whispers of God…

picture-60 Yeah, that’s Kayleigh’s car…..

What this picture can’t show is how hard it’s been for Kayleigh…for all of us, to get past the accident.  Each of us for different reasons.  Mine is in the pondering….the pondering of all the variables that could have made the wreck have a different outcome.

Of course, the “outcome” we would all choose is that it never happened at all.  But, beyond that….

Wondering…knowing that if Kayleigh had been speeding, if it hadn’t just quit raining so she was being more careful…if she had been driving our old Excursion instead of her little compact car, the outcome could have been drastically different for all of us.

Sure, I wished she had been in an SUV when I saw her car, but after I knew that there was no way she could have avoided hitting this man on a bicycle (who was weaving across a six lane state road during rush hour), I also knew that he would, most likely, be dead - and my daughter, who had done nothing wrong, but instead done “everything right”, would have had to live with that forever.

I’m also pondering those horrible “what ifs” like what if she hadn’t worn her seatbelt, what if she hadn’t put on a hoodie (miraculous since it was 90+ that day!) which protected her eyes, face and arms, and the worst one:

What if the man had hit her car only about an inch lower - hitting the glass rather than the metal stripping above it?

picture-55

Looking at the glass that shot across the car and the large pieces pointing inward,  it’s fair to say that if he had hit the windshield just an inch or two lower, he would have come through it.  Then, rather than saying it was “a traumatic and unnecessary accident”, we wouldn’t just be mourning the loss of the man’s life….but of Kayleigh’s as well.

In life, there are always a million variables - a million little and large happenings that can range from mundane to life altering.  Sometimes it’s so hard to see God’s hand…to know that He hears us, but, this accident reminded me that there are always ways to hear the whispers of God, we just have to be willing to hear them - even in the midst of the storm.

I hear them, of course, when I look at my daughter, who after having hundreds of tiny pieces of glass explode around her, wasn’t blinded, but instead, has only one scratch.

I hear them in the fact that she was cold (in the summer!) so she put on a hoodie before getting in a sweltering car at 4:45 pm in the day.

I hear them in the fact that this man may have been trying to take his own life, and God spared it.  By letting my daughter experience a trauma, to lose sleep, to have nightmares…to feel guilty about something she didn’t do wrong - by allowing her to go through this, knowing she would still praise Him, God surely spared this man because of how small her car is and how careful she was to try to avoid him.  He used her tears and trauma to save him.

I hear them in the fact that she doesn’t have to live with being involved in the death of another human being or even seriously injuring him.

I hear them….those whispers.  Even in my anger at why God would let this happen at all…..and why to my daughter who loves Him so much?

I don’t have the answers.  I just have to make myself listen….listen…..and then, listen again.

We’ll be okay, I know this, my daughter and me….all of us around her - we’ll get through the sleepless nights and all the “what ifs”.

And, then, the next time someone enters a season that seems so random, so senseless, we can say, “I understand.” or maybe “I can never understand a loss like that, but you can tell your frustrations, your ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’ to me…I won’t judge.”

picture-52 This experience has reminded me of many things, but one thing I’ve become keenly aware of is that I don’t know if there is anyone more vulnerable than a parent.  They are our “achilles heel”.  I can be as stubborn, as immovable as I want to be - I can say confidently “You can’t hurt me!”, but then I have these four children…….and I know that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them - that I am only as happy as my most unhappy child.

Some silly love songs throw around the phrase “I would die for you”, but it would be redundant for a parent to say that because it’s just a fact.  If I could have taken Kayleigh’s place in this situation….or any of my kids in any situation, I know I would have.  A million times, I would have.

It’s why it seems so wrong when a child dies before its parents - because it’s against the laws of nature…..it just should never be.

So, I was reminded of how fragile life can be - and how fragile mine is as a mom….it hangs on the every breath of my little ones - no matter who “big” they get. It’s just the way it is.

Because it’s how it should be.

And I thank God for letting me have my first-born “little one” for just a while longer.

I thank Him so much for that - and for all of His whispers…….and for the fact that the whispers of God would still be there even if He had chosen for that not to be the case.

Especially then.

Peace.

Good Thing…

So, I know I need to blog…not just out of obligation…I really do NEED to blog.

…and I’ve had so many thoughts lately.  But, when your husband - prize “fighter”, type-A, first born…English Mastiff of the human world - says, “Oh, yeah well, maybe you should just sleep on that blog…” after you tell him your thoughts, well, you think twice!

So, here I am…thinking twice.

And, that thinking involves a lot of pondering the goodness of God…instead of pondering the stupidity of others…..it’s just that they are both so overwhelming in their abundance!! :-)

I’m so often tempted to want to defend myself…my ministry…my church….the vision of my church….our passion.  Especially when I read statements (of the somewhat negative “persuasion”) about our “style” of ministry from others…..

But, instead, I’m trying tonight to remember….yesterday.  Sometimes that’s hard for me to do on a Monday…it wouldn’t seem so, since it’s only been 24 hours…but still.

You see, yesterday:

  • I woke up before the sun to get to C3....the only day of the week that I would be excited to be up so early!
  • I was greeted at the theater our church calls home by countless volunteers who had arrived much earlier than I - already putting in hours of work by the time I strolled in with my “Starbuck” in hand…
  • I practiced with the band - songs like “The Time has Come”, “Cannons”, “Sing My Love”……and “Stronger” - none of which are vacant of the majesty and wonder of God…or the person of Jesus Christ.  (Look ‘em up!)
  • I heard Byron preach…from the Word of God - straightforward yet, applicable….and from the Old Testament!!
  • I watched as lives were changed….8 adults praying to receive Christ as their personal savior.
  • I saw little children running to go to learn about Jesus…happy….the diversity among them staggering.
  • I saw a “sea” of Black, White, Asian, Hispanic…a tapestry of colors reflected in the faces.
  • I witnessed C3 members picking up “Feed the Children” boxes to deliver to families in need - many of these members struggling themselves under the weight of these economic times.
  • I welcomed other couples into my home for “Community Group”….and heard stories that made me weep.
  • I sat across from couples who were completely “unchurched” just months ago….listening to them discuss scripture!
  • I went to bed worn out, but humbled by such a day….to be surrounded by such a people….such a church as C3.
  • I went to sleep reminded of the awesomeness of God.

And, as I focus on these things….

…as I list them out - and there are so many others from just ONE DAY….

I can’t seem to remember what I was so bent out of shape about….something about the stupidity of….I can’t recall……

Oh well, must not have been that important after all!

Isn’t God great like that?

I guess I just needed to remember…

…good thing He’s more gracious to me than I am to others at times.

Peace.

Open my eyes…

This was in my email today, from my dear friend Patti.  I needed this so much today…on a Monday - needed to be reminded of how others are working tirelessly and sacrificing so that those who suffer can feel the love of Jesus.  I wanted to share this story with you, so it can encourage you as it did me:

To Touch the King…

The grandmother, Rama, was an old acquaintance who had worked as a house-helper for some friends of ours.  Her son and daughter-in-law sat with her on the floor of our sitting room—their clothes and hollow faces declaring their poverty, the quiet despair in his eyes highlighting the harsh life of a day laborer.  Recently, I had spent the better part of two days with them and they had come by our home to pay their respects before returning to the village.  Sitting together now, I felt anger rise like bile in my mouth—anger at this family, at their poverty and ignorance and the way they simply accept their lot in life.  Anger at a world of injustice and suffering that we have so little ability to change.

A week earlier, Rama and her daughter-in-law tried to change their fate.  They arrived on our doorstep with Sonu—a five-month-old baby boy wrapped in a blanket, revealing only two large, unseeing eyes.  He was sick, and as the cheap village doctors had not helped, they had been to see our pediatrician who had told them that something was wrong with the child’s blood, and that the treatment would cost in excess of 2,000 Rs (about $44 USD), and could we help as they did not have that kind of money?  They literally had nowhere else to go and had spent the last two hours searching for our house in hopes that we might be willing to pay for the treatment.

Bundling them into a rickshaw, I abandoned my afternoon plans to sit in doctors’ waiting rooms and ensure that Sonu received the proper treatment.  Speaking with the pediatrician, I began to realize how critical the child’s situation was.  The doctor’s only official recommendation was an immediate blood transfusion.  Unofficially, his entire manner spoke of the futility of even trying.

Another rickshaw.  A small modern hospital not far away.  An elderly doctor with kind hands and a gentle spirit taking Sonu from his mother’s arms, removing the blanket and engaging the fight for this small life.  I had never seen anyone so sick and still alive.  A living, breathing World Relief poster before my eyes—emaciated with skin hanging from his body due to dehydration; each breath punctuated with small cries of pain; unresponsive when the doctor tried five times to find a vein that was open enough to allow for an IV; oxygen, antibiotics, and rehydration fluid to try and control blood-poisoning, dehydration, pneumonia & TB.

Sonu’s immediate need was blood.  He simply did not have enough to sustain himself and without more he would die.  Pricking, poking, prodding and praying, the staff was able to coax just enough blood out of him for the tests required to match type and compatibility.  Handed two small vials of his blood, I put them in my shirt pocket and set out across town to the blood bank to bring back a liter of bright red life.

Here in India, to get blood you have to give it.  And so I found myself in a chair with small blood-soaked cotton balls on the floor and a man sticking a needle in my arm.  Asking if it was a new needle, his grunt of affirmation did little to reassure me and for a split second I wondered if this was worth the risk of contracting some fatal blood-borne disease.  But who else would give their blood for some unknown child?  I didn’t have time to try and find a family member.  And even if someone could be found, could I really ask them to take the risk that I myself was hesitating to take?  After all, Someone had already shed their blood for me.  The shedding of blood still seems to be the price of life.

The rest of that day and into the night; early the next morning, afternoon and evening I found myself driving to and from the hospital—willing Sonu to live, pleading with God, giving hope to his parents, consulting the doctors, and always wondering if I was doing the right thing.  And as Sonu fought for his life, I fought with my conscience.

Thought:  “They are poor, untouchables sitting in one of the most expensive hospitals in our city.  What about current mission theory in regards to money, dependence and the poor?  Should I have taken them to a hospital that they could more easily afford?  How much money will this cost me?”

A Pang of Guilt: “This is a child’s life we are talking about!  If we would have gone somewhere else he surely would have died.  Why does being poor mean that you should not get as good of treatment as myself or my daughters?  How can I put a price on the value of a life?”

Thought: “Perhaps it would be better to just let him die.  He is in so much pain and even if he lives, his life will probably be one of incredible hardship—driving a rickshaw or hoping for work as a laborer.”

More Guilt: “Who am I to decide whether this child lives or dies?  How do I know what his life will be like?  Am I God?  Who knows that God may not use this child to start a movement for His glory amongst his own people one day?”

Thought:  “But what if he dies?  What if this is all for nothing?  Oh God please spare his life…”

A phone call at midnight.  Someone speaking rapidly in Hindi.  I try to wake up my mind, to comprehend the message: Sonu just died, please come immediately.  I hurriedly dress and drive one last time to the hospital.  It feels like I have been punched in the gut.  I can hardly breathe.  I had so wanted him to live.  Grief, anger, and relief well up from deep places within.  At least the question of whether he lived or died or what treatment would be given him was now out of my hands.

Walking into the hospital room, Sonu was in his bassinet with all the tubes still connected to him.  I put my hand upon him; closed his eyes in the sleep of death; removed the oxygen, the medical tape and the IV.  He was at last at peace.  His breathing no longer labored.  His body no longer taut with pain.  The doctors were kind.  “We did all we could.  If only you would have brought him in a few days earlier…”

Standing there with a dead child beside me, the answer to all my questions became clear.  For it was not Sonu in that small bed, but Jesus.  It was His body that was emaciated and dying that I touched each time I came to visit.  It was His eyes that did not see anything other than pain.  It was Jesus that we did this for—not Sonu or his family.  And as I searched the reality of a broken child’s body I began to see with eyes of faith the broken body of our Lord.  It did not matter how much or how little money was spent.  It did not matter even in the end whether Sonu lived or died.  What mattered was whether or not I had touched our Lord.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me… I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’” Matthew 25:34-36, 40

Hunger, thirst, nakedness, sickness, imprisonment, loneliness…  Food water, clothes, presence…  And the secret?  That such simple acts of service can be transformed into spiritual acts of worship—if we have eyes to see Jesus in the faces of those we serve.  The “least of these” – the poor, the oppressed, the destitute and deranged, orphans and widows – all are our King and Savior, the God of the universe in disguise.  It took a little boy for me to see.

Sonu’s family leaves our home with a strong rebuke for letting him get so sick before seeking out help.  “It is God’s will,” they reply.  “What can we do?”  What can they do?  The question echoes in my mind.  They walk away, and if I look carefully, I can see Jesus walking among them.  Ignorance and apathy from long years of suffering make me wonder if they will show up at our door with another Sonu one day.  But if they do, I am ready.  I will abandon my well-laid plans to sit in doctors’ offices, find rickshaws, and pay bills and pray with all my heart for another small life.  For the issue on that day will not be whether the child lived or died—but whether or not I reached out my hand to touch one who was suffering, and in so doing, touched the King…”.

Thank you, Patti, for reminding me of Jesus’ words - they have brought strength and comfort to me today, and have reminded me to never stop thinking of others…

…there’s always so much more to do and to give.

My prayer today is that God will continue to open my eyes and heart to the suffering of those around me - that I never become too numb to their plight…or too blind to see their need….

Thank you, Patti -

Peace.

This Fragile Breath…

So, I heard a song coming home today. It’s been out for quite a while. Fragile Breath by Todd Agnew (Third Day).

I love this song…have since the first time I heard it - but, for some reason today it really resonated with me. Maybe because tomorrow is Good Friday. Maybe because this year has reminded me that I only have one gift to give…just my fragile breath.

Of course, compared to the Maker of the Universe, all of us are incredibly fragile…and I am no stronger. Just fragile breath.

Sometimes, I - in my humanness - can think too much of myself…think of myself as a deep thinker, an embracer of great profundity and truth, a wordsmith…a poet. But, then I have the realization that I truly have nothing new to add to what God has created to praise Him. The thunder, the lightning, the ocean, the dawn - these things know how to speak of God’s majesty…without even trying! They never get focused on the wrong thing…they never glorify themselves - they only point to an awesome, brilliant Creator. Not so with humans…

And yet, there is this:

God wants to hear from me! He wants to hear my small, fragile breathless words. He wants to know that I love Him above all else. It’s unfathomable…really.

All of history:  Creation - Calvary - the Resurrection - all of it, is for this one thing.

He wants me. He wants all of us. Desperately. Completely.

And He’ll move heaven and earth to hear us laugh…sing…praise…to dry our tears…to hold us in His arms. He wants us.


More than anything.

That’s what Good Friday…what Easter is all about: His love - and our small, fragile breath of praise back to the One who gives us that breath to begin with.

So, just breathe…

Peace.