I’m reposting a post that I wrote years ago - on the anniversary of my loss - in the hopes that someone else can relate and feel some comfort in my story:
“I really want to blog - and I really don’t at the same time…
It’s usually my desire to be as uplifting as possible (for an overly dramatic, melancholy poet), and I just know where my mind is today…so forgive me if I’m a downer.
Twelve years ago yesterday, I lost a baby. That date was also my brother’s birthday and as he only lived for seven days, this time of the year is difficult…
It wasn’t that a miscarriage is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person…a woman. It wasn’t even that it was a mid-term miscarriage, so I had to go through labor and delivery. It wasn’t just that I really wanted that child and had been trying to get pregnant for quite a while…
It was more that I was completely unprepared.
Unprepared for how physically traumatic the experience would be - I heard miscarriage talked about like it was no big deal…or maybe it was just my own ignorance.
Unprepared for the deep sense of loss that I would feel - the loss of a relationship that I had developed in such a short time…a bond that was stronger than I imagined it would be with someone I hadn’t even met yet.
Unprepared for the insensitivity of others, who meant well, but only made things worse by saying things like: “Well, at least it wasn’t a real child…” or “At least you didn’t ever get to know it before you lost it…” or worse still, “Maybe God’s trying to tell you something…”
I was completely unprepared for how unprepared I felt.
I don’t know why this is on my mind today. Maybe because I’ve been sick all week and my mind has had too much time to think. It’s just that that experience was one that caused me to grow up and realize that life is full of opportunities…
Opportunities to go one way or the other. Opportunities to learn…to empathize with the pains and hurts of others. Opportunities to grow bitter…or better. Every lesson in life gives us the gift of seeing life through less clouded eyes - eyes that understand that everyone has pain…everyone has secrets…everyone has a story.
Life is filled with choices…with crossroads - things that we experience that can begin to define us.
One thing my miscarriage reminds me of when I think about it today, is that I want to be defined - not by my pain, not by my scars - but by how much I love. And every hurt is an opportunity for me to live more in love than I did before.
The past couple of years have held more hurts than I’ve ever experienced in the previous 30 plus years combined, and I’m learning and trying to embrace these hurts as more and more opportunities. I’ve been blessed with an abundance of opportunities to walk in love…remember grace…practice forgiveness. I’m not saying that I always choose to function in these, but God has seen fit to give me lots of practice.
So, today - the day after - I celebrate the pains of life. I embrace God’s grace that allows me to keep learning. I choose to learn to love more, forgive more, understand more…
…because we all have a story - and every day means that the story is not over yet!
So, here’s to learning, to growing…and to loving more and more. It truly does win - and it’s the only thing that can cover all the hurts and pain. They don’t disappear entirely, but they can become trophies of grace and reminders of mercy.
And it’s because of grace and mercy that I can love…and say, “it is well with my soul”…
…and it is.
Peace.”
Peace.
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