Tag Archive for 'fear'

The Back Side of the Clouds

Okay, so it’s an understatement to say that I’m not a big fan of flying…I am working on it, though. But, on our trip out to Dallas, I realized something about turbulence.

We took off in some cloudy weather - of which I am NOT a huge fan - I was disturbed and dismayed by the fact that I was still conscious (my medicine didn’t seem to be working - not a huge fan of that either!), and I was feeling every bump of the cloud-filled sky we were cutting our way through.

After what seemed like an eternity of climbing, I could tell the plane was leveling out - and finally, was starting to feel sleepy (just in time to hear the pilot say that although we had reached our “cruising altitude” he was leaving the “fasten seat belts” light on due to turbulence!) - about that time, I glanced out the window, planning to pull the shade and pretend I was on a beach somewhere…or at least just driving through the mountains…

…but, I digress…

So, as I reached for the shade, I noticed something. I glanced out just before my hand was going to yank the shade closed.

Any of you who read my blog know I have a slight love affair with the sky - I love it, no matter what it does. I love it at dawn, and I love it at dusk…at midnight and during a lightening storm. It is one of the elements of nature that feels, to me, like a personal gift from God. So, as I reached to shut the world out…to try and forget where I was, I glanced at the sky…

We were now on the other side of the clouds. I could understand why it had been so tumultuous - there were so many clouds! They took my breath with their beauty, and for a moment I forgot how much they had terrified me…

…I forgot how I had wished them away just seconds before.

The very thing that had made me want to run…to escape the sickening feeling of bumping and falling, was now so beautiful to me. The thing that had caused me to feel unsafe and even a little desperate was now calming me and flooding me with a sense of safety and understanding…

It made more sense now. We were climbing to a new height - a whole “nother” level, and the bumps and bruises along the way were the only way to break through to the other side. I had to go through the storm to get to see the beauty.

I’ll never forget the way those clouds looked. I had been so frustrated that it was so bumpy when I had asked God to clear the way. I was a little panicked that my medicine wasn’t working…that I wasn’t asleep yet. But, if I had missed the thing that terrified me, I would have also missed the beauty…the gift.

It was like a whisper from God. The bigger and scarier the storm, the more beautiful the other side of the clouds will seem. I needed to be reminded of that. I still need to remember…but, now when I need to be reminded, all I have to do is look up.

I know what the back side of the clouds look like - I can carry that with me for future storms. And, after all, it’s not the “back side” to God. He sees all of it - and He has us covered.

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on February 25, 2008
in faith, life, life lessons and travel
. 0 Comments

Post Traumatic Ferris Wheel Disorder

So, I’ve been thinking…

and, no, it wasn’t too painful!

…anyway, I’ve been thinking about my fear of flying. Where did it come from? I mean, I flew a ton when I was younger - small planes, private planes…I shudder to think of it now. One time I was in the back of a tiny commuter with the luggage packed around my head! No fear!

So, what happened?

Well, I’ve never liked certain feelings…like the dropping feeling on a roller-coaster. I rode them - I just didn’t particularly like them. Then, in high school, Byron and I went to the Texas State Fair - it’s where we took the saloon pic on my “Album” page (I’m holding a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and I didn’t even know what that was at the time…) - anyway, Byron wanted to ride the double-Ferris-wheel. I told him I would probably get scared and might embarrass him…

…so, that turned out to be the understatement of the year!

Anyway, we got on and the first level was okay - he kept saying “See, it’s not so bad…you’re fine.” Then we went to the second level and began to drop both stories…that’s where things began to go a little awry…I’m not sure what happened, it’s a little…fuzzy. But, apparently I decided at the very top of the 5 story ride that I was going to get off…immediately. So, I proceeded to do just that. Byron had to try to restrain me - which I didn’t care for either…so, I began to scream hysterically. This only made the Ferris wheel operator speed the whole thing up as it was drawing a significant crowd and great for business…

After that, we didn’t ride any more Ferris wheels…Byron didn’t even get on an elevator with me without thinking twice. But, my “issues” didn’t really translate to airplanes until I had Kayleigh. I was flying with her by myself - she was 3 months - listening to the safety instructions, and it hit me…how would I crawl out of a smoke-filled plane and use my seat as a floatation device with a baby in my arms!!!! The panicky feeling was back. After that, I felt every bump - every tilt and clutched my infant tighter as I counted the emergency lights on the floor in case the lights went out and I had to make an escape in the dark…

A couple of years later, we were flying over the Gulf - hit a wind sheer - fell out of the sky twice…

…and here I am today, just waiting for it to happen again.

I just know I have to figure out a way to get past it. There are too many things I want to do that involve flying…

Go see Hillsong in Australia, visit the orphans in Africa…Mother Teresa’s home for the dying in Calcutta…London…see the Eiffel Tower…bring back a child from Moldova….see the Swiss Alps…

Anyway, I will get over this.

I think I’ll just take the bull by the horns and take flying lessons. I’ll either die of fright, or get over it!

So, that’s what I’m thinking. There you are.

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on February 20, 2008
in life, random and travel
. 0 Comments

Living in a Dream…

I think I’ll probably feel this way each Monday of December: Worn out, but inspired; Exhausted, but excited; Too busy, but not wanting the days to just go by without really experiencing them - kind of like walking around in a sleepy dream…

I have very vivid dreams - I always have. I often have to fight against my day being determined by what I dream at night. Sometimes they prepare me for things - Sometimes they give me another opportunity to work out my feelings. A few months ago, Byron carried a little lamb onto the platform to illustrate how one job of a pastor/shepherd is to protect the “sheep” - this came from a dream/nightmare that I had just days before that message. I woke up (crying) and said, “You have to carry a lamb…a real lamb. You have to!”

On the days after a particularly vivid dream, I feel all day like I’m walking around still in it…like you feel right after watching a very moving movie - like it’s hard to shake it and concentrate on “real life”. That’s also how a lot of Mondays feel - after C3. Somethings coming…something bigger than we are - you can feel it in the air.

Recently, I dreamed I was driving through the mountains on a very curvy mountain road - the kind where you get to the top of the hill and for a moment you feel like you’re falling off the end of the earth. It’s a strange feeling - like riding a roller coaster. I liked this dream because I was going to see the ocean (I love the ocean!), and the ride there was both thrilling and terrifying at the same time - that’s how I feel most of these Mondays.

This “ride” is often both thrilling and terrifying - and many times I’ve felt like I’m falling off the end of the earth…but we are headed to a place where the view will be worth the journey. We’re headed to an ocean of beauty and change - a sea of opportunity and hope.

We’re going there together at C3, and when we begin to see the horizon, it will take our breath away...

Dreams are wonderful and a little scary when you see them unfold in reality - but how often do you get to really live a dream?

For now, I’m just trying to remind myself to pay attention to these days, remember what they feel like - even if they’re scary sometimes - because someday I’ll want to recall what these days were like…

Hold on. Remember. Don’t lose your courage. The horizon is coming into focus…maybe just around the next bend lies our destiny.

It’s going to be breathtakingly beautiful, and I don’t want to miss a thing…

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on December 3, 2007
in church, faith, hope, life and random
. 0 Comments

Embrace Barbaric Grace

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmyH8GK9ePg]

Live the Love.

Fight the fear.

Walk the Way.

Embrace the Grace.

Embrace Barbaric Grace.

Love wins. Love wins. Love wins…

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on November 4, 2007
in faith, grace, life, love and peace
. 0 Comments