Tag Archive for 'forgiveness'Page 2 of 3

i’m probably right…

i don’t think i should blog on monday. and i’m probably right. i’ve been kind of in a blogging funk lately, and i probably shouldn’t try to end my funk on a monday. and i’m probably right. i’m not in a very good mood…so i probably shouldn’t get anything off my chest. and i’m probably right. i saw someone (who i really never wanted to see ever again) today. i got sick to my stomach. so i probably shouldn’t put anything in writing about how i feel. and i’m probably right. how come friends can hurt you so much more than enemies? how come one encounter…one thought…one brief glance…can cause years of “junk” to flood over you like the stomach flu? i probably should just stop thinking about it and just try to go to sleep. and i’m probably right.

but i really, really don’t want to. i really want to rant and rave and sulk and…well, all the things a bonafide drama queen does when she processes the…stuff of life.

but i should just let it go.

i should just remember my own short-comings…my own failures - before the failures of others.

i should just try to concentrate on changing the only one in the world i can change: me.

i should just chant under my breath “love wins” and “when you relive it, forgive it”.

i should just remember all the junk that grace has covered in my own life.

i should just try to sleep and think about all this on another day…any other day but a monday.

i should just think of all the faces of c3….all the people in my ever-growing family.

i should just count all the blessings in my life.

i should just refuse to allow the insecurities and weaknesses of others to steal my joy.

i should just love…and maybe go to a yoga class.

…and i’m probably right.

peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on April 21, 2008
in life, love and random
. 0 Comments

…What God Forgets

So, Byron’s message on forgiveness yesterday was another reminder that I need to be in the habitual state of forgiving - and then, once I forgive, in a constant state of “not remembering what God forgets”.

I knew I had written about this before, so I went back and reread some of my previous posts.

It didn’t surprise me that one of my posts about forgiveness was titled “Breaking Free”. To me, there is a constant connection between freedom and forgiveness. I can’t be free if I can’t forgive. It’s as simple as that - who holds me in resentment also holds me in captivity…they control me.

I’m not sure why this lesson has been one I’ve had to revisit over and over…I guess God knows I need a lot of practice.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote several months ago - and it’s still true for me now. I was breaking free then, and I am today.:

7 June, 2007:

Happy Wednesday! Tonight’s message was about forgiveness. Byron reminded us of how, in order to love, we must “not remember what God forgets.” This subject has been on my mind and heart so much lately. I have two friends who have been abandoned by the one who was supposed to protect and cherish them - they don’t deserve what’s happening to them, but the best thing for them is also the hardest: forgiveness. I find it hard to even fathom that they should be expected to do this. But, being in bondage because of hate toward someone else is not freedom, and it’s not what God desires for us. But, it still makes me so angry to think about how much they are hurting, and I wish my anger could make their pain go away, but that’s not the way it works. Only true love can heal - Agape.

Tonight, I was reminded that we were not meant to HAVE to forgive. We were created for the Garden where we would fellowship with God and each other in perfect harmony - until sin entered the picture. So, now, until heaven, we can’t physically experience “the Garden”, but emotionally and spiritually we experience it EVERY TIME WE FORGIVE. So, it’s natural that I would struggle with this unnatural thing. But, tonight it struck me that it may not just be the injustice of my friends’ wounds that are causing me so much trouble - maybe it’s more about my own wounds.

I don’t want to admit that I’ve struggled to forgive real or perceived offenses in my own life - that doesn’t sound very spiritual. But, to say I’ve struggled with this lately, would be an understatement. I’ve felt abandoned and betrayed - and this by people who once called themselves my friends. So, maybe my issues with my above-mentioned friends’ REAL abandonment and betrayal, are also about my own feelings of loss. So, maybe I need to “practice what I preach” and lay it down.

So, I choose to forgive: the lies, the slander, the dirty looks at the grocery store, the glares at my children’s school, the phone campaigns, the lawyers, the “inviting” others to your “new church” right in front of me, the sabotage of our ministries - especially children’s ministries, the soccer field huddles, the lack of loyalty, the playing the victim, the alienation of anyone who defends us, the tears of my children, the attacks against my husband, the mistreatment of our staff, my feelings that “NO ONE STAYS” when the road gets rocky, and I’m left on a cold mountain with no visible shelter (previous blog “Shelter Friends“).

So, I choose to forgive, so that I, my family and my true friends can be free. And because these offenses don’t begin to touch how Jesus was treated.

I once had a dream. In it I was being beaten - by someone I had loved and trusted. I was on the ground bloody and broken when someone appeared before me. It was Jesus, and he looked like I did: bloody and broken. And through swollen eyes, He looked at me, and I was filled with peace as I realized the “point”: When I am abused and betrayed and broken, and yet choose to love, I LOOK LIKE HIM. So, that’s my desire: that my wounds cause me to resemble Jesus. And that through forgiveness, they become something beautiful - a beautiful brokenness that reflects a beautiful savior.

So, today I and, hopefully, my friends will walk in peace and freedom in our beautiful brokenness.

PEACE!

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 3, 2008
in faith, life, life lessons, love and mercy
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The Remains of the Day

This morning was so good.

The first service was a little rough around the edges - I felt a little “off” - kept singing wrong stuff, etc. - but it was so good to see everyone again.

Just before the second service, Byron asked me to stay a minute in his “evaluation time” of the first service….next thing I knew, Kayleigh came running into the room saying, “Mom, they’re singing - you’re s’posed to be in there!!!”….Nice! So, I just ran into the theater, ran up on stage, and started praising God like nothing had happened…They probably should get used to my antics anyway…

Byron continued his series on the family, and this time dealt with forgiveness. There were so many tears. Forgiveness is such a universal issue. I know it’s a constant theme in my own journey…

If I were to go back and read every word I’ve written since I began blogging last May, I know I would see the struggle so clearly: processing pain, trying to let go, offer love and grace, turn from bitterness, forgive….forgive - sometimes the person I struggle with forgiving the most is myself. Sometimes I grow weary of the struggle and wish I would just learn whatever it is I need to learn, so I don’t have to repeat the same lessons over and over…

But, the reality is, pain and hurt are a part of life - so, forgiveness must be also.

I went back to the new grocery store this evening, I was feeling tired and hoping I didn’t run into anyone who would be mean. I rounded the corner and saw a familiar face - then, I noticed her T-shirt: pink “LOVE WINS” - (I designed them myself, so they’re a personal fave). When she saw me, she broke out in a huge smile. Her beautiful little girl said to me, “How do you know my Mommy?” - so her mom explained who I was and that she didn’t recognize me because she was in “Powerhouse” on Sundays. Then, her daughter threw her arms around me and said, “Miss Angie, where have you been!”

In that moment, I forgot any fear I had had coming into the store…I only felt the love. I discovered once again that…

Love really does win!

and I’m so glad.

(Keep bleeding love…)

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 2, 2008
in church, life, life lessons, love and sunday
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At the end of the day…

Busy day - busy, busy…

I was thinking…I have to do that a lot since I have so many “issues” (when you’re a melancholy/sanguine, you tend to be fraught with issues).

Anyway, the boys and I were in the car and decided to listen to some music - since I was without my iPod and the CD player doesn’t work right in my truck, I turned on the radio. The first button on my programmed stations is the local Christian station - when it came on, my first instinct was to change it…quickly. Why? Well, let me try to explain.

Of course, I love Christian music. Worship is my passion…

I could try to blame my desire to change the station on the obvious: They rarely play anything new, and they run great songs into the ground!!! But, that wasn’t what caused my visceral reaction - my knee-jerk desire to find anything else to listen to.

You see, our town is full of listeners to this radio station - full of cars, trucks and vans with it’s bumper stickers on the back…they’re everywhere! And while, when I was more “idealistic”, I used to think how great it was that so many people were driving around worshipping God - I, now, watch for those bumper stickers…I have a knee-jerk, visceral reaction to them, too…

Where I used to see those stickers and think, “There’s someone who loves God like I do - there’s a kindred spirit…”, I now scan the parking lot of the grocery store for those stickers and if there are an abundance, I do my shopping somewhere else. I would rather pull into a biker-bar and be met by angry tattooed gangsters than to happen upon a gathering of the church-girl soccer moms with their minivans and bumper stickers at the Chick-Fil-A! I think I would get a warmer reception from the first crowd…

But, I left the radio on the Christian station. Because my boys were in the car, and they don’t have the same “issues” as I do (Thank God!). Because they were playing a new Casting Crown song that I really needed to hear (then an old Mercy Me song that I needed to hear more). Because God doesn’t deserve to be defined by how poorly He is reflected by people who say they follow Him…

Just because.

And because I can worship Him no matter what’s on the station or in my head - no matter if I’m on top or at the bottom - no matter if I’m loved…or loathed. At the biker bar or the fast-food chicken place, He’s still God.

The Casting Crowns song reminded me that God continues to forgive me over and over and over - and put my sin as far as the East is from the West - and I should do the same. And the Mercy Me song reminded me of a time when I needed to be told over and over and over to “Hold on - help is on the way. Hold on, He’s come to save the day. What I’ve learned in this life: one thing greater than my strife is His grasp…” And remembering that the only thing that brought me through that dark time was His grasp. So, my listening experience was also a learning experience. No one needs to define God to me, other than God.

The radio is still on that station. I’ll probably hit the change button soon - all it will take is three or four songs in a row that they were playing (in that same order) five years ago. But, I won’t change it today. Not for the reason that almost made me miss some encouragement this afternoon - not because church people do a whole lot of fronting as worshippers. Not because of my “issues”. Not today.

I really need to go find my iPod…

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on February 28, 2008
in life
. 0 Comments