Yeah, that’s Kayleigh’s car…..

What this picture can’t show is how hard it’s been for Kayleigh…for all of us, to get past the accident.  Each of us for different reasons.  Mine is in the pondering….the pondering of all the variables that could have made the wreck have a different outcome.

Of course, the “outcome” we would all choose is that it never happened at all.  But, beyond that….

Wondering…knowing that if Kayleigh had been speeding, if it hadn’t just quit raining so she was being more careful…if she had been driving our old Excursion instead of her little compact car, the outcome could have been drastically different for all of us.

Sure, I wished she had been in an SUV when I saw her car, but after I knew that there was no way she could have avoided hitting this man on a bicycle (who was weaving across a six lane state road during rush hour), I also knew that he would, most likely, be dead - and my daughter, who had done nothing wrong, but instead done “everything right”, would have had to live with that forever.

I’m also pondering those horrible “what ifs” like what if she hadn’t worn her seatbelt, what if she hadn’t put on a hoodie (miraculous since it was 90+ that day!) which protected her eyes, face and arms, and the worst one:

What if the man had hit her car only about an inch lower - hitting the glass rather than the metal stripping above it?

Looking at the glass that shot across the car and the large pieces pointing inward,  it’s fair to say that if he had hit the windshield just an inch or two lower, he would have come through it.  Then, rather than saying it was “a traumatic and unnecessary accident”, we wouldn’t just be mourning the loss of the man’s life….but of Kayleigh’s as well.

In life, there are always a million variables - a million little and large happenings that can range from mundane to life altering.  Sometimes it’s so hard to see God’s hand…to know that He hears us, but, this accident reminded me that there are always ways to hear the whispers of God, we just have to be willing to hear them - even in the midst of the storm.

I hear them, of course, when I look at my daughter, who after having hundreds of tiny pieces of glass explode around her, wasn’t blinded, but instead, has only one scratch.

I hear them in the fact that she was cold (in the summer!) so she put on a hoodie before getting in a sweltering car at 4:45 pm in the day.

I hear them in the fact that this man may have been trying to take his own life, and God spared it.  By letting my daughter experience a trauma, to lose sleep, to have nightmares…to feel guilty about something she didn’t do wrong - by allowing her to go through this, knowing she would still praise Him, God surely spared this man because of how small her car is and how careful she was to try to avoid him.  He used her tears and trauma to save him.

I hear them in the fact that she doesn’t have to live with being involved in the death of another human being or even seriously injuring him.

I hear them….those whispers.  Even in my anger at why God would let this happen at all…..and why to my daughter who loves Him so much?

I don’t have the answers.  I just have to make myself listen….listen…..and then, listen again.

We’ll be okay, I know this, my daughter and me….all of us around her - we’ll get through the sleepless nights and all the “what ifs”.

And, then, the next time someone enters a season that seems so random, so senseless, we can say, “I understand.” or maybe “I can never understand a loss like that, but you can tell your frustrations, your ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’ to me…I won’t judge.”

This experience has reminded me of many things, but one thing I’ve become keenly aware of is that I don’t know if there is anyone more vulnerable than a parent.  They are our “achilles heel”.  I can be as stubborn, as immovable as I want to be - I can say confidently “You can’t hurt me!”, but then I have these four children…….and I know that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them - that I am only as happy as my most unhappy child.

Some silly love songs throw around the phrase “I would die for you”, but it would be redundant for a parent to say that because it’s just a fact.  If I could have taken Kayleigh’s place in this situation….or any of my kids in any situation, I know I would have.  A million times, I would have.

It’s why it seems so wrong when a child dies before its parents - because it’s against the laws of nature…..it just should never be.

So, I was reminded of how fragile life can be - and how fragile mine is as a mom….it hangs on the every breath of my little ones - no matter who “big” they get. It’s just the way it is.

Because it’s how it should be.

And I thank God for letting me have my first-born “little one” for just a while longer.

I thank Him so much for that - and for all of His whispers…….and for the fact that the whispers of God would still be there even if He had chosen for that not to be the case.

Especially then.

Peace.