Tag Archive for 'life lessons'Page 2 of 6

Pressing on…

Traveling has a tendency to make me pensive…and this trip is no different.  There has been so much to process.

Byron and I took this trip to celebrate 19 years of wedded bliss :-) - and we’ve also taken advantage of the opportunity to see how other ministries function…

I’m always challenged to meet other pastors and their wives.  And it’s always good to be a “visitor” at a different church, so that I never forget what it feels like…to be a visitor. Functioning in our world…our safe little bubble can cause me to forget what it felt like to come in from the outside.

I also was reminded of why we made the transition from a highly traditional ministry to a more progressive and diverse one.

I had someone ask how our children - in light of all they’ve suffered through because of our ministry - how they have avoided resenting God, us and the church…

…before even thinking about the response I said, “They’ve understood why we’ve suffered…and at who’s hands…we just had to get them away from most of the ‘christians’ in their life”.

It just came out before I thought about it…it must have seemed odd for a pastor’s wife to need protect her children from ‘christians’, but I’ll take that any day over feeling like they have ill-feelings toward God or serving Him.  No church, christian organization, or person claiming a certain belief system should be above the honest scrutiny of a child - children recognize hypocrisy and we have to be honest…

…people screw up, God doesn’t.

So, if my kids are a little gun-shy of institutional church and surface-focused christians, there’s a reason for that.  We’re having to be honest about a lot of things in order to help them heal.

Anyway, it’s a continuing journey, and this weekend caused me to realize that I’m still healing….there are still things to overcome.  I look forward to the day when certain types of buildings or ministries don’t strike fear in my heart…

…healing will come.

Part of the process is the joy that comes from being able to experience a church like Cross Point. It was a breath of fresh air to see such authenticity and…realness.  It was exactly what I needed since I was unable to be with my beloved C3.

It’s been nice to get away - the mountains are so lovely, but I’m ready to be home.  I miss my home, my kids, my C3 - all of it.

Happy Anniversary, Babe!

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on September 15, 2008
in life
. 4 Comments

Only a Glance…

So, a year ago today I wrote a post called “Letting Go“…

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year, in some ways - in others it seems like a lifetime ago. I can still feel what I felt back then - I can feel it in seconds, if I choose to. Lately, I have been just not choosing to…

They say that if you drive for very long staring into the rear-view mirror, you’ll end up in a head-on collision. That’s true when it comes to the pain of the past, as well. You can glance in the mirror, occasionally, but you can’t let it distract you from what’s coming up ahead.

In so many ways letting go, for me, is a constant process - a constant discipline of the will. I’ve had to discover and develop a whole new set of boundaries in which the approval of others gets only a fleeting nod…not my full attention. It’s hard to not care what others say about you…to not stick your finger in the wind to see how it blows: for you or against.

But, there’s real freedom in some losses…

So, today, the lessons of the past will get a fleeting glance from me…just a glance - an acknowledgement of whatever I learned by experiencing and embracing my losses. Just a glance - a brief remembrance, and nothing more.

Because the pain is not what has shaped me - but the working through it…and the letting go.

A year ago I wrote, “My heart is broken, but my spirit is free…”. It’s still true today that there are things that break my heart, but still allow for greater freedom …freedom from my past and all of the things I’ve had to let go.

There’s a reason why the rear-view mirror is so much smaller than the windshield…

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on May 22, 2008
in life and life lessons
. 0 Comments

…What God Forgets

So, Byron’s message on forgiveness yesterday was another reminder that I need to be in the habitual state of forgiving - and then, once I forgive, in a constant state of “not remembering what God forgets”.

I knew I had written about this before, so I went back and reread some of my previous posts.

It didn’t surprise me that one of my posts about forgiveness was titled “Breaking Free”. To me, there is a constant connection between freedom and forgiveness. I can’t be free if I can’t forgive. It’s as simple as that - who holds me in resentment also holds me in captivity…they control me.

I’m not sure why this lesson has been one I’ve had to revisit over and over…I guess God knows I need a lot of practice.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote several months ago - and it’s still true for me now. I was breaking free then, and I am today.:

7 June, 2007:

Happy Wednesday! Tonight’s message was about forgiveness. Byron reminded us of how, in order to love, we must “not remember what God forgets.” This subject has been on my mind and heart so much lately. I have two friends who have been abandoned by the one who was supposed to protect and cherish them - they don’t deserve what’s happening to them, but the best thing for them is also the hardest: forgiveness. I find it hard to even fathom that they should be expected to do this. But, being in bondage because of hate toward someone else is not freedom, and it’s not what God desires for us. But, it still makes me so angry to think about how much they are hurting, and I wish my anger could make their pain go away, but that’s not the way it works. Only true love can heal - Agape.

Tonight, I was reminded that we were not meant to HAVE to forgive. We were created for the Garden where we would fellowship with God and each other in perfect harmony - until sin entered the picture. So, now, until heaven, we can’t physically experience “the Garden”, but emotionally and spiritually we experience it EVERY TIME WE FORGIVE. So, it’s natural that I would struggle with this unnatural thing. But, tonight it struck me that it may not just be the injustice of my friends’ wounds that are causing me so much trouble - maybe it’s more about my own wounds.

I don’t want to admit that I’ve struggled to forgive real or perceived offenses in my own life - that doesn’t sound very spiritual. But, to say I’ve struggled with this lately, would be an understatement. I’ve felt abandoned and betrayed - and this by people who once called themselves my friends. So, maybe my issues with my above-mentioned friends’ REAL abandonment and betrayal, are also about my own feelings of loss. So, maybe I need to “practice what I preach” and lay it down.

So, I choose to forgive: the lies, the slander, the dirty looks at the grocery store, the glares at my children’s school, the phone campaigns, the lawyers, the “inviting” others to your “new church” right in front of me, the sabotage of our ministries - especially children’s ministries, the soccer field huddles, the lack of loyalty, the playing the victim, the alienation of anyone who defends us, the tears of my children, the attacks against my husband, the mistreatment of our staff, my feelings that “NO ONE STAYS” when the road gets rocky, and I’m left on a cold mountain with no visible shelter (previous blog “Shelter Friends“).

So, I choose to forgive, so that I, my family and my true friends can be free. And because these offenses don’t begin to touch how Jesus was treated.

I once had a dream. In it I was being beaten - by someone I had loved and trusted. I was on the ground bloody and broken when someone appeared before me. It was Jesus, and he looked like I did: bloody and broken. And through swollen eyes, He looked at me, and I was filled with peace as I realized the “point”: When I am abused and betrayed and broken, and yet choose to love, I LOOK LIKE HIM. So, that’s my desire: that my wounds cause me to resemble Jesus. And that through forgiveness, they become something beautiful - a beautiful brokenness that reflects a beautiful savior.

So, today I and, hopefully, my friends will walk in peace and freedom in our beautiful brokenness.

PEACE!

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 3, 2008
in faith, life, life lessons, love and mercy
. 0 Comments

The Remains of the Day

This morning was so good.

The first service was a little rough around the edges - I felt a little “off” - kept singing wrong stuff, etc. - but it was so good to see everyone again.

Just before the second service, Byron asked me to stay a minute in his “evaluation time” of the first service….next thing I knew, Kayleigh came running into the room saying, “Mom, they’re singing - you’re s’posed to be in there!!!”….Nice! So, I just ran into the theater, ran up on stage, and started praising God like nothing had happened…They probably should get used to my antics anyway…

Byron continued his series on the family, and this time dealt with forgiveness. There were so many tears. Forgiveness is such a universal issue. I know it’s a constant theme in my own journey…

If I were to go back and read every word I’ve written since I began blogging last May, I know I would see the struggle so clearly: processing pain, trying to let go, offer love and grace, turn from bitterness, forgive….forgive - sometimes the person I struggle with forgiving the most is myself. Sometimes I grow weary of the struggle and wish I would just learn whatever it is I need to learn, so I don’t have to repeat the same lessons over and over…

But, the reality is, pain and hurt are a part of life - so, forgiveness must be also.

I went back to the new grocery store this evening, I was feeling tired and hoping I didn’t run into anyone who would be mean. I rounded the corner and saw a familiar face - then, I noticed her T-shirt: pink “LOVE WINS” - (I designed them myself, so they’re a personal fave). When she saw me, she broke out in a huge smile. Her beautiful little girl said to me, “How do you know my Mommy?” - so her mom explained who I was and that she didn’t recognize me because she was in “Powerhouse” on Sundays. Then, her daughter threw her arms around me and said, “Miss Angie, where have you been!”

In that moment, I forgot any fear I had had coming into the store…I only felt the love. I discovered once again that…

Love really does win!

and I’m so glad.

(Keep bleeding love…)

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 2, 2008
in church, life, life lessons, love and sunday
. 0 Comments