Tag Archive for 'life lessons'Page 3 of 6

At the end of the day…

Busy day - busy, busy…

I was thinking…I have to do that a lot since I have so many “issues” (when you’re a melancholy/sanguine, you tend to be fraught with issues).

Anyway, the boys and I were in the car and decided to listen to some music - since I was without my iPod and the CD player doesn’t work right in my truck, I turned on the radio. The first button on my programmed stations is the local Christian station - when it came on, my first instinct was to change it…quickly. Why? Well, let me try to explain.

Of course, I love Christian music. Worship is my passion…

I could try to blame my desire to change the station on the obvious: They rarely play anything new, and they run great songs into the ground!!! But, that wasn’t what caused my visceral reaction - my knee-jerk desire to find anything else to listen to.

You see, our town is full of listeners to this radio station - full of cars, trucks and vans with it’s bumper stickers on the back…they’re everywhere! And while, when I was more “idealistic”, I used to think how great it was that so many people were driving around worshipping God - I, now, watch for those bumper stickers…I have a knee-jerk, visceral reaction to them, too…

Where I used to see those stickers and think, “There’s someone who loves God like I do - there’s a kindred spirit…”, I now scan the parking lot of the grocery store for those stickers and if there are an abundance, I do my shopping somewhere else. I would rather pull into a biker-bar and be met by angry tattooed gangsters than to happen upon a gathering of the church-girl soccer moms with their minivans and bumper stickers at the Chick-Fil-A! I think I would get a warmer reception from the first crowd…

But, I left the radio on the Christian station. Because my boys were in the car, and they don’t have the same “issues” as I do (Thank God!). Because they were playing a new Casting Crown song that I really needed to hear (then an old Mercy Me song that I needed to hear more). Because God doesn’t deserve to be defined by how poorly He is reflected by people who say they follow Him…

Just because.

And because I can worship Him no matter what’s on the station or in my head - no matter if I’m on top or at the bottom - no matter if I’m loved…or loathed. At the biker bar or the fast-food chicken place, He’s still God.

The Casting Crowns song reminded me that God continues to forgive me over and over and over - and put my sin as far as the East is from the West - and I should do the same. And the Mercy Me song reminded me of a time when I needed to be told over and over and over to “Hold on - help is on the way. Hold on, He’s come to save the day. What I’ve learned in this life: one thing greater than my strife is His grasp…” And remembering that the only thing that brought me through that dark time was His grasp. So, my listening experience was also a learning experience. No one needs to define God to me, other than God.

The radio is still on that station. I’ll probably hit the change button soon - all it will take is three or four songs in a row that they were playing (in that same order) five years ago. But, I won’t change it today. Not for the reason that almost made me miss some encouragement this afternoon - not because church people do a whole lot of fronting as worshippers. Not because of my “issues”. Not today.

I really need to go find my iPod…

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on February 28, 2008
in life
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The Back Side of the Clouds

Okay, so it’s an understatement to say that I’m not a big fan of flying…I am working on it, though. But, on our trip out to Dallas, I realized something about turbulence.

We took off in some cloudy weather - of which I am NOT a huge fan - I was disturbed and dismayed by the fact that I was still conscious (my medicine didn’t seem to be working - not a huge fan of that either!), and I was feeling every bump of the cloud-filled sky we were cutting our way through.

After what seemed like an eternity of climbing, I could tell the plane was leveling out - and finally, was starting to feel sleepy (just in time to hear the pilot say that although we had reached our “cruising altitude” he was leaving the “fasten seat belts” light on due to turbulence!) - about that time, I glanced out the window, planning to pull the shade and pretend I was on a beach somewhere…or at least just driving through the mountains…

…but, I digress…

So, as I reached for the shade, I noticed something. I glanced out just before my hand was going to yank the shade closed.

Any of you who read my blog know I have a slight love affair with the sky - I love it, no matter what it does. I love it at dawn, and I love it at dusk…at midnight and during a lightening storm. It is one of the elements of nature that feels, to me, like a personal gift from God. So, as I reached to shut the world out…to try and forget where I was, I glanced at the sky…

We were now on the other side of the clouds. I could understand why it had been so tumultuous - there were so many clouds! They took my breath with their beauty, and for a moment I forgot how much they had terrified me…

…I forgot how I had wished them away just seconds before.

The very thing that had made me want to run…to escape the sickening feeling of bumping and falling, was now so beautiful to me. The thing that had caused me to feel unsafe and even a little desperate was now calming me and flooding me with a sense of safety and understanding…

It made more sense now. We were climbing to a new height - a whole “nother” level, and the bumps and bruises along the way were the only way to break through to the other side. I had to go through the storm to get to see the beauty.

I’ll never forget the way those clouds looked. I had been so frustrated that it was so bumpy when I had asked God to clear the way. I was a little panicked that my medicine wasn’t working…that I wasn’t asleep yet. But, if I had missed the thing that terrified me, I would have also missed the beauty…the gift.

It was like a whisper from God. The bigger and scarier the storm, the more beautiful the other side of the clouds will seem. I needed to be reminded of that. I still need to remember…but, now when I need to be reminded, all I have to do is look up.

I know what the back side of the clouds look like - I can carry that with me for future storms. And, after all, it’s not the “back side” to God. He sees all of it - and He has us covered.

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on February 25, 2008
in faith, life, life lessons and travel
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Sipping from a Fire Hydrant…

So we’ll be flying home in the morning…just a few hours between me and another plane ride. If I weren’t so exhausted and looking forward to getting home, I would spend all night worrying about that, but…

The past few days have been good - there’s been so much to absorb. I know I’ll spend weeks just trying to process it all.

One thing that Bishop Jakes said really resonated with me…well, many things he said did that, but when he talked about leadership and loneliness, he described the people that surround us as falling into one of three categories:

  • Confidants - those who are for you…no matter what happens, they are there for you. These people are rare and few.
  • Constituents - those who are for what you are for. They are with you as long as you are “for” the same thing - until someone comes along who is better at it than you…or makes them feel better about themselves.
  • Comrades - those who are against what you are against. Nothing makes for the illusion of friendship like a common enemy.

The problem comes when we mistake constituents and comrades for confidants, we think they are “for us” - when they aren’t at all - they are simply fighting for a common cause or against a common enemy. The last two will always go eventually…

I’ve learned a lot about this - I’ve also realized that I’ve been blessed to have some real confidants…probably more than most…so I can accept and even rejoice in the comings and goings of the constituents and the comrades. It’s alright, they were never meant to do more in my world. At least for a little while, there was a common cause…a greater good. And with each transition, my true confidants become clearer and clearer. This is such a blessing to me.

And rather than worry about airplane turbulence and other things I can’t begin to control, I think I’ll go to sleep tonight counting the blessings of my confidants…and constituents and comrades too - whatever it takes to get the job done.

So, there are three more C’s for me to ponder…

Here’s to my confidants…you know who you are. As for the rest, I’ll just hold on loosely…

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on February 23, 2008
in friends and life lessons
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The Art of Losing II

I really want to blog - and I really don’t at the same time…

It’s usually my desire to be as uplifting as possible (for an overly dramatic, melancholy poet), and I just know where my mind is today…so forgive me if I’m a downer.

Twelve years ago yesterday, I lost a baby. That date was also my brother’s birthday and as he only lived for seven days, this time of the year is difficult…

It wasn’t that a miscarriage is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person…a woman. It wasn’t even that it was a mid-term miscarriage, so I had to go through labor and delivery. It wasn’t just that I really wanted that child and had been trying to get pregnant for quite a while…

It was more that I was completely unprepared.

Unprepared for how physically traumatic the experience would be - I heard miscarriage talked about like it was no big deal…or maybe it was just my own ignorance.

Unprepared for the deep sense of loss that I would feel - the loss of a relationship that I had developed in such a short time…a bond that was stronger than I imagined it would be with someone I hadn’t even met yet.

Unprepared for the insensitivity of others, who meant well, but only made things worse by saying things like: “Well, at least it wasn’t a real child…” or “At least you didn’t ever get to know it before you lost it…” or worse still, “Maybe God’s trying to tell you something…”

I was completely unprepared for how unprepared I felt.

I don’t know why this is on my mind today. Maybe because I’ve been sick all week and my mind has had too much time to think. It’s just that that experience was one that caused me to grow up and realize that life is full of opportunities…

Opportunities to go one way or the other. Opportunities to learn…to empathize with the pains and hurts of others. Opportunities to grow bitter…or better. Every lesson in life gives us the gift of seeing life through less clouded eyes - eyes that understand that everyone has pain…everyone has secrets…everyone has a story.

Life is filled with choices…with crossroads - things that we experience that can begin to define us.

One thing my miscarriage reminds me of when I think about it today, is that I want to be defined - not by my pain, not by my scars - but by how much I love. And every hurt is an opportunity for me to live more in love than I did before.

The past couple of years have held more hurts than I’ve ever experienced in the previous 30 plus years combined, and I’m learning and trying to embrace these hurts as more and more opportunities. I’ve been blessed with an abundance of opportunities to walk in love…remember grace…practice forgiveness. I’m not saying that I always choose to function in these, but God has seen fit to give me lots of practice.

So, today - the day after - I celebrate the pains of life. I embrace God’s grace that allows me to keep learning. I choose to learn to love more, forgive more, understand more…

…because we all have a story - and every day means that the story is not over yet!

So, here’s to learning, to growing…and to loving more and more. It truly does win - and it’s the only thing that can cover all the hurts and pain. They don’t disappear entirely, but they can become trophies of grace and reminders of mercy.

And it’s because of grace and mercy that I can love…and say, “it is well with my soul”…

…and it is.

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on January 31, 2008
in faith, life, life lessons, love and women
. 0 Comments