Tag Archive for 'life'

…and so my nails are blue.

I woke this morning from a dead-sleep weeping…inconsolably.  It freaked Byron out quite a bit, although he should be quite used to my idiosyncrasies by now.

You see, apparently, I was dreaming - I was in my sweet Oma’s kitchen and she said, “Angie have some more ‘mah-cah-rrroni’”. I laughed and said, “I’m too full….you know my birthday’s coming up and I’m feeling so old.” She was the one to laugh then, and said, “I know, I only wish I had left you a card before I had to go away…”

Then, I just said, “Please, please don’t go….”

But, I woke up - and was crying because I knew she had gone.

picture-186

I also seem to be struggling with the fact that never again will I be….thirty-something.  And, like my Oma’s passing, it just seems so final.

I was flipping through a magazine, trying to pass the time during Sugar-Boy’s morning “time out” - and I saw a fashion section that had 2 categories:

  1. 20’s and 30’s - which was full of fun and hip trends…
  2. 40’s …and beyond. - which was …..everything else.

….so, I guess that’s how I’m feeling today…..like the catch-all “everything else” category….

Anyway…

So I painted my fingernails navy blue.

I feel a little better now as I watch my “way-too-dark-for-my-age” nails type on my new MacBook Pro…..

Yes, that’s my birthday present.  A spankin’ new “hoss” of a machine - with a hot pink cover, of course.

It’s gorgeous.

But, still….the keys feel different under my unusually dark nails….very unfamiliar - even though I’ve transferred everything including my zebra cling to the outside cover.

Still….

I guess I’m just not aging as gracefully as I had planned to.

I’m actually feeling quite rebellious at this point.

…….and so…….

my nails are blue!

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on August 19, 2009
in life lessons and random
. 2 Comments

Let Them Go Down

I woke up hearing this song playing in our bathroom.

It got my attention - I don’t even know why…

…and then, when I went to YouTube to watch ole Faith sing it as only she can, I noticed her glancing at the monitors……probably a teleprompter of the words.

I recognized it because I’ve done it a million times - even when I’m singing a song I know like the back of my hand - still….

….sometimes I glance down - like I’m looking for something more than just words - like I’m searching for a friendly face or something to reassure me.

picture-1311

But, of course, then the lights do go down -and I make my way back to my seat.

Sometimes it feels too soon.

Other times it’s a relief.

I know there’s a difference (and way more than one, mind you) between Faith and me -

She sings...wow, does she ever sing!

I worship.

So, when the lights go down, I’m okay with being on the other side - in the darkness.  I’m okay with being left to my own thoughts…..my own worship - with no one critiquing my performance or thinking “who let her go out of the house like that!!??”

Some say it’s lonely there, after the lights.  I think it can be way lonelier when you’re being blinded by their harshness (may be why I close my eyes so much). It’s softer and cooler on the other side of the lights.

So, let them go on down…….

picture-173

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on July 31, 2009
in life and music
. 0 Comments

Couch Potato Yoga Master

(Actually I can’t remember the exact title I received…Yoga “Master”…”Teacher….”Trainer……oh well the point is:)

So, in the same session on the Wii fit, I received both the titles “Couch Potato” and “Yoga Master”…..as well as the conflicting report of being “unrankable” in one skill and “your body is very flexible” in another….

Apparently, I can’t get out of the way of a huge shoe being hurled at my head, but I can achieve quite a “Zen State” in touch with many levels of my chahkra - although said “Zen State” is difficult to maintain whilst being PUMMELED BY A SHOE!!!….I’m just sayin’!

Anyway, this new “path to inner balance” via the Wii fit is:

STRESSING ME OUT!!…but, oddly calming at the same time - I think, perhaps, because this level of dichotomy is so very familiar……

I am both a Couch Potato and a Yoga Master….and I embrace both halves of myself as they come together in perfect….insanity!

…..so there you go and there you are!

I’m just sayin’.

Peace…….

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on June 15, 2009
in Uncategorized
. 2 Comments

The Remains of the Day…

We sang a song today…

I know I’m not the first to mention this song in a blog…not even the first in my “toolbar” of blogs.  Josh and Alison speak of it ….and I’ve been moved, of course, by it’s poetic lyrics and power….“How He loves…”

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a dry spell lately with my blog, but Byron mentioned in his message this morning - “God always brakes the silence with Jesus”…so, I suppose I should do no less.

“He is jealous for me - loves like a hurricane…I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy…”

I’ve listened and I’ve sung.  I’ve worshipped  and led in worship absorbing myself in words that others have written…even while knowing they could have come from my own soul.  I’ve wanted to sing of God’s love for us…knowing it’s true - yet often feeling like the Psalmist crying out, “My God, why have You forsaken me…”

“…all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory…
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me…”

These “afflictions”…what afflictions?

…to the casual observer that may be the question - “What afflictions?”

God has blessed me…I know this - 4 beautiful and uniquely wonderful children who love God and others, a great marriage, a lovely home…great church, great ministry…

…and yet my afflictions are often so close to me…so visceral, that I feel them with each breath…

I have been paralyzed by my personal struggles…asking God - like Paul - “remove this please…”, yet He seems silent.

“…so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest…
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way…
He loves us…”

I don’t have time for regrets, I know this…but, still the struggle remains in my self-centeredness….

Last night as I listened to the music set for this morning, as I do every Saturday night…I struggled with every word of this song - for some reason…feeling like I was wrestling…fighting…sinking…

Then, the final words sunk into me - words that weren’t even going to be sung this morning, so I almost didn’t hear them….but, I did hear them…and I wept under the weight of them:

“Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
…They want to tell me You’re cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he’d say it’s not true, ’cause…He loves us.”

Then, I got up and sang from my soul…with all of my questions and struggles…I just sang.

…and I listened.  And God did what He does….

He broke through the deafening silence…with Jesus.

…and that’s enough - enough for this day.

Peace.


Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 15, 2009
in Uncategorized, life lessons, music and sunday
. 6 Comments