Tag Archive for 'ministry'

The Remains of the Day…

We sang a song today…

I know I’m not the first to mention this song in a blog…not even the first in my “toolbar” of blogs.  Josh and Alison speak of it ….and I’ve been moved, of course, by it’s poetic lyrics and power….“How He loves…”

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a dry spell lately with my blog, but Byron mentioned in his message this morning - “God always brakes the silence with Jesus”…so, I suppose I should do no less.

“He is jealous for me - loves like a hurricane…I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy…”

I’ve listened and I’ve sung.  I’ve worshipped  and led in worship absorbing myself in words that others have written…even while knowing they could have come from my own soul.  I’ve wanted to sing of God’s love for us…knowing it’s true - yet often feeling like the Psalmist crying out, “My God, why have You forsaken me…”

“…all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory…
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me…”

These “afflictions”…what afflictions?

…to the casual observer that may be the question - “What afflictions?”

God has blessed me…I know this - 4 beautiful and uniquely wonderful children who love God and others, a great marriage, a lovely home…great church, great ministry…

…and yet my afflictions are often so close to me…so visceral, that I feel them with each breath…

I have been paralyzed by my personal struggles…asking God - like Paul - “remove this please…”, yet He seems silent.

“…so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest…
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way…
He loves us…”

I don’t have time for regrets, I know this…but, still the struggle remains in my self-centeredness….

Last night as I listened to the music set for this morning, as I do every Saturday night…I struggled with every word of this song - for some reason…feeling like I was wrestling…fighting…sinking…

Then, the final words sunk into me - words that weren’t even going to be sung this morning, so I almost didn’t hear them….but, I did hear them…and I wept under the weight of them:

“Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
…They want to tell me You’re cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he’d say it’s not true, ’cause…He loves us.”

Then, I got up and sang from my soul…with all of my questions and struggles…I just sang.

…and I listened.  And God did what He does….

He broke through the deafening silence…with Jesus.

…and that’s enough - enough for this day.

Peace.


Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 15, 2009
in Uncategorized, life lessons, music and sunday
. 5 Comments

Pressing on…

Traveling has a tendency to make me pensive…and this trip is no different.  There has been so much to process.

Byron and I took this trip to celebrate 19 years of wedded bliss :-) - and we’ve also taken advantage of the opportunity to see how other ministries function…

I’m always challenged to meet other pastors and their wives.  And it’s always good to be a “visitor” at a different church, so that I never forget what it feels like…to be a visitor. Functioning in our world…our safe little bubble can cause me to forget what it felt like to come in from the outside.

I also was reminded of why we made the transition from a highly traditional ministry to a more progressive and diverse one.

I had someone ask how our children - in light of all they’ve suffered through because of our ministry - how they have avoided resenting God, us and the church…

…before even thinking about the response I said, “They’ve understood why we’ve suffered…and at who’s hands…we just had to get them away from most of the ‘christians’ in their life”.

It just came out before I thought about it…it must have seemed odd for a pastor’s wife to need protect her children from ‘christians’, but I’ll take that any day over feeling like they have ill-feelings toward God or serving Him.  No church, christian organization, or person claiming a certain belief system should be above the honest scrutiny of a child - children recognize hypocrisy and we have to be honest…

…people screw up, God doesn’t.

So, if my kids are a little gun-shy of institutional church and surface-focused christians, there’s a reason for that.  We’re having to be honest about a lot of things in order to help them heal.

Anyway, it’s a continuing journey, and this weekend caused me to realize that I’m still healing….there are still things to overcome.  I look forward to the day when certain types of buildings or ministries don’t strike fear in my heart…

…healing will come.

Part of the process is the joy that comes from being able to experience a church like Cross Point. It was a breath of fresh air to see such authenticity and…realness.  It was exactly what I needed since I was unable to be with my beloved C3.

It’s been nice to get away - the mountains are so lovely, but I’m ready to be home.  I miss my home, my kids, my C3 - all of it.

Happy Anniversary, Babe!

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on September 15, 2008
in life
. 4 Comments

How do you deal?

I have a lot of thoughts today…go figure!  Here are a few:

  • I love it when I feel like my kids need me…it feeds my ego - but, when they start to cry (especially when they’re only seven and they’re trying so hard to be brave), when they start to cry, it paralyzes me…Ethan said, “Please take me home Mommy…” - because things were so chaotic at school this morning when I dropped him off.  I just got myself a visitor’s badge and stayed until he was okay.  Good thing his class is filled with cute girls or I might still be there!
  • Sideways rain, hot coffee and an umbrella in high wind is a recipe for disaster…or at least some comic relief for onlookers…
  • If you own a home that you are leasing, and you have a company “managing” it for you - you might want to check into how well they are managing it…especially with storms like Central Florida has had…just a thought.  There are some pretty unscrupulous real estate/management companies in Orlando…Byron and I have had a good deal of experience with this - and are happy to share the knowledge we’ve…acquired.  (FYI)
  • I just read a blog - written by another pastor’s wife - she shares her recent experience with the ugly side of all that comes with being in the ministry…mainly the judgments some Christians put on you when you’re the wife of a pastor.  I’ve added Brandi to my blogroll so check her out.
  • I am now so blessed to be surrounded by such encouragement and support - from the other C3 pastor’s wives, to the staff, to the membership…and even the seekers.  I remember what it felt like to live with constant judgment and expectation - but, now, it’s like a slap in the face when I observe or experience this because it’s so absent from my world.  At C3, we have the privilege to be ourselves - and so many Christians loathe this freedom when they see it.
  • When you live in bondage, you can’t stand to see others live in freedom - I remember one person saying to me, “Angie, your problem is that you just don’t care enough what people think of you!”…really?  Gaining freedom has cost me more than I could’ve ever imagined, but it’s so worth it…

Anyway, there are just a few of my thoughts…please keep sharing yours with me.

Peace…

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on August 21, 2008
in life
. 0 Comments

On a Monday

There are many things I probably shouldn’t do on a Monday…top of the list is blogging. I shouldn’t do anything that requires coherent thought, or any semblance of rationale….(or the use of “normal” words that make sense…but I digress).

I tend to use large and inane words when I’m exhausted…I also tend to ramble and talk in circles - hence the reason for my hesitancy to blog…

…but here I am blogging.

Oh well, I should at least attempt to write something meaningful.

I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head lately - there is so much to process. Byron’s book is coming out soon, and it’s so weird to think of even a little of our story being put down in print for the world to read - especially since I haven’t even worked through all that’s happened over the past couple of years my own self…

But that’s the way it is with ministry - you have to deal with things as they arise…often right in front of an audience. It can be brutal, at times…but you have no choice but to walk through it. There’s no way around…only through.

So, in retrospect, I wish I had possessed more grace. I wish I had not let things “get to me” or even, at times, get the best of me. I wish I had been a better example of peace. I wish I had not let my children see me angry. I wish I hadn’t struggled so much with what others think. I wish I had been a better support to Byron. I wish I hadn’t been so rebellious at times…

Oh well, there can always be a long list of wishes on a Monday. For me, it just goes with the day.

But, overall, I’m okay. It’s Monday (not my favorite day) and I’m okay. It’s May (not my favorite month) and I’m okay. I’m alright and tomorrow I’ll be even better…and next month, better than that.

So it’s all good.

And that’s good enough…especially on a Monday.

peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on May 12, 2008
in life, life lessons and random
. 0 Comments