Tag Archive for 'pain'

The Remains of the Day…

We sang a song today…

I know I’m not the first to mention this song in a blog…not even the first in my “toolbar” of blogs.  Josh and Alison speak of it ….and I’ve been moved, of course, by it’s poetic lyrics and power….“How He loves…”

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a dry spell lately with my blog, but Byron mentioned in his message this morning - “God always brakes the silence with Jesus”…so, I suppose I should do no less.

“He is jealous for me - loves like a hurricane…I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy…”

I’ve listened and I’ve sung.  I’ve worshipped  and led in worship absorbing myself in words that others have written…even while knowing they could have come from my own soul.  I’ve wanted to sing of God’s love for us…knowing it’s true - yet often feeling like the Psalmist crying out, “My God, why have You forsaken me…”

“…all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory…
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me…”

These “afflictions”…what afflictions?

…to the casual observer that may be the question - “What afflictions?”

God has blessed me…I know this - 4 beautiful and uniquely wonderful children who love God and others, a great marriage, a lovely home…great church, great ministry…

…and yet my afflictions are often so close to me…so visceral, that I feel them with each breath…

I have been paralyzed by my personal struggles…asking God - like Paul - “remove this please…”, yet He seems silent.

“…so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest…
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way…
He loves us…”

I don’t have time for regrets, I know this…but, still the struggle remains in my self-centeredness….

Last night as I listened to the music set for this morning, as I do every Saturday night…I struggled with every word of this song - for some reason…feeling like I was wrestling…fighting…sinking…

Then, the final words sunk into me - words that weren’t even going to be sung this morning, so I almost didn’t hear them….but, I did hear them…and I wept under the weight of them:

“Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
…They want to tell me You’re cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he’d say it’s not true, ’cause…He loves us.”

Then, I got up and sang from my soul…with all of my questions and struggles…I just sang.

…and I listened.  And God did what He does….

He broke through the deafening silence…with Jesus.

…and that’s enough - enough for this day.

Peace.


Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 15, 2009
in Uncategorized, life lessons, music and sunday
. 5 Comments

Pressing on…

Traveling has a tendency to make me pensive…and this trip is no different.  There has been so much to process.

Byron and I took this trip to celebrate 19 years of wedded bliss :-) - and we’ve also taken advantage of the opportunity to see how other ministries function…

I’m always challenged to meet other pastors and their wives.  And it’s always good to be a “visitor” at a different church, so that I never forget what it feels like…to be a visitor. Functioning in our world…our safe little bubble can cause me to forget what it felt like to come in from the outside.

I also was reminded of why we made the transition from a highly traditional ministry to a more progressive and diverse one.

I had someone ask how our children - in light of all they’ve suffered through because of our ministry - how they have avoided resenting God, us and the church…

…before even thinking about the response I said, “They’ve understood why we’ve suffered…and at who’s hands…we just had to get them away from most of the ‘christians’ in their life”.

It just came out before I thought about it…it must have seemed odd for a pastor’s wife to need protect her children from ‘christians’, but I’ll take that any day over feeling like they have ill-feelings toward God or serving Him.  No church, christian organization, or person claiming a certain belief system should be above the honest scrutiny of a child - children recognize hypocrisy and we have to be honest…

…people screw up, God doesn’t.

So, if my kids are a little gun-shy of institutional church and surface-focused christians, there’s a reason for that.  We’re having to be honest about a lot of things in order to help them heal.

Anyway, it’s a continuing journey, and this weekend caused me to realize that I’m still healing….there are still things to overcome.  I look forward to the day when certain types of buildings or ministries don’t strike fear in my heart…

…healing will come.

Part of the process is the joy that comes from being able to experience a church like Cross Point. It was a breath of fresh air to see such authenticity and…realness.  It was exactly what I needed since I was unable to be with my beloved C3.

It’s been nice to get away - the mountains are so lovely, but I’m ready to be home.  I miss my home, my kids, my C3 - all of it.

Happy Anniversary, Babe!

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on September 15, 2008
in life
. 4 Comments

So I Can…

I think God is needing to continually remind me to be sensitive to others around me. I know this because I’ve been so tempted lately to concentrate on my own difficulties and struggles. I ask myself, “Why me?” - I begin to see everything from the negative perspective. The only thing that seems to help when I start thinking like this is to make myself focus on others: their needs, their difficulties. Getting my eyes off myself is the only remedy.

God has seen fit to allow many challenges over the past few years - and, lately, I’ve felt myself feeling like, “What’s the point? I think God just doesn’t like me very much.” For me, struggling with depression can lead to a vicious cycle of self-centeredness.

There are so many people facing hardships right now. The housing market, gas prices, company downsizing - so many are suffering. And then I see those who try to profit from the vulnerability of those facing hardship. Sometimes it seems like those who take advantage will continue come out on top…

There’s only one thing that helps me when I begin to feel hopeless about the condition of the world around me. I have to focus on others and try to be different than those who only care about their own success. There are plenty of people who face greater challenges than I have faced. There are countless stories of those who are worse-off than I. I just have to open my heart and really see them.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had some things…dreams that I just had to let go. I won’t say that I didn’t tell myself, “Why am I having to let go of this too - I’m tired of letting go…tired of telling myself to just be content…just tired.” I know it doesn’t sound very spiritual to admit that I didn’t just immediately say to myself, “Okay, well, that’s not what I would prefer, but God is in control.”

I can be very argumentative at times - when I was little my parents told me I really should consider being a lawyer so at least I could make a living off of my argumentative tendencies…but I digress.

Anyway, so I argued with God all day, then wrestled with my feelings of frustration toward certain “profit mongers” all night (dreaming of exposing them like a taller version of Erin Brockovich). I woke up this morning angry and still having a gigantic pity-party.

Then Byron put me in the car - to “get coffee” which is code for “get me out of the house so maybe I’ll snap out of my funk and channel my negative energy into something positive…and take a shower.” (okay, so maybe he didn’t think it through that much, but if any of these things happened it’s a win/win).

As we drove around, I noticed all the “For Sale” signs…again. Only this time I thought about how each of those families could be feeling. I wondered if they had had to let go of some dreams…if they were feeling hopeless and taken advantage of.

Then I saw a little boy.

He was standing in front of an overturned laundry basket with assorted toys on top and a sign that said, “Toys for Sale”. I started crying. I said, “Byron, give him some money…please.” Byron didn’t have any cash on him, but he was already heading toward the ATM. As we drove there, I rambled on about all the scenarios that could’ve motivated this little boy to sell his toys…until I couldn’t talk any more. I told Byron not to just give him the money, but to buy something…just the smallest thing he had to sell. So, Byron got out and talked to the boy, and returned with two little cars that he was selling for a dollar each…Byron gave him $20.

As we drove away, the little boy was jumping up and down and clapping. And I was tempted to think negatively about how it didn’t really change anything…

…but it did change me.

So, I started thinking about how maybe God lets me suffer so that I can feel the suffering of others. Maybe he knows that if my heart is already broken, and I’m struggling not to cry, then I will reach out to others who have that same look in their eyes. I can recognize brokenness because I too am broken…

Maybe.

So, maybe these struggles are just another gift from God. Maybe He wants me to argue for those who don’t have a voice and fight for those who don’t have it in them to fight anymore…

Maybe.

Just a thought.

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on May 31, 2008
in faith, hope, life, life lessons, love and social issues
. 0 Comments

The Remains of the Day

So, this morning came too soon. Because of technological advances, we actually woke at 3:30 instead of 5:30. We did go back to bed when we realized it, but not really back to sleep so….

so, today started way too early.

I was excited to go to C3. Andrea spoke eloquently about her childhood and family issues. I know her story helped a lot of people. She did awesome!

I was in a lot of pain, but it’s always good to get to worship…to sing - to be with my C3 family. I would’ve been in pain at home or there…so I’d rather be there. Of course, though, I crashed when I finally got home. I took a bath so hot that my skin was bright red and I was sweating. Then, I slept and slept.

Then, we walked (walking is better than sitting) down to the Italian ice shop. I had a caramel sundae…with rum raisin ice cream!

I sat for a nice long time on the front porch - with my fur blanket and wool scarf…I probably looked like a dork - and watched the sun begin to fade…

I just have to make it a little longer…tomorrow morning - when I can see my doctor. At this point, I’m pretty much counting the hours. I’ve been told (during child birth, etc.) that I have a high pain threshold, but this pain is kicking my tail…it’s just so stinkin’ annoying!

Oh well, tomorrow’s coming.

Now I just have to figure out how to sleep. Maybe I should just eat rum raisin ice cream until I pass out in a sugar coma…

Just kidding! I know that’s nothing to joke about…I only ate a little of my sundae, so DON’T HATE!!!!!

So, it’s “good night” to another good day.

Peace to you all.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 9, 2008
in church, friends, life, links, random and sunday
. 0 Comments