Tag Archive for 'pain'Page 2 of 2

at least….

so, i threw my back out - slipped a disc…something, today.

the wind was incredible and as i opened the door to the excursion (”the beast”), a gust of wind caught it and almost pulled me out of the car…i made the mistake of trying - at that exact moment - to shut the door. i felt something pull, pop or tear in my low back…

anyway, now i’m in so much pain i think i’ll have to hang from the ceiling to get any sleep tonight.

and of course it’s saturday.

and of course we lose an hour tonight.

and of course i’m having myself a grand ole drama queen style pity-party.

but at least i have a sweet husband who knows how to order take-out and…a bathtub.

and at least i get to go to c3! :-)
and at least i can sing in jeans and sneakers tomorrow morning…
:-) see, there’s plenty to smile about….even when it hurts to smile.

i just have to make it ’til monday when my german doctor can “fix” me again…(is this cuz i’m close to forty?)

oh well, good night. Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on March 8, 2008
in random
. 0 Comments

The Art of Losing II

I really want to blog - and I really don’t at the same time…

It’s usually my desire to be as uplifting as possible (for an overly dramatic, melancholy poet), and I just know where my mind is today…so forgive me if I’m a downer.

Twelve years ago yesterday, I lost a baby. That date was also my brother’s birthday and as he only lived for seven days, this time of the year is difficult…

It wasn’t that a miscarriage is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person…a woman. It wasn’t even that it was a mid-term miscarriage, so I had to go through labor and delivery. It wasn’t just that I really wanted that child and had been trying to get pregnant for quite a while…

It was more that I was completely unprepared.

Unprepared for how physically traumatic the experience would be - I heard miscarriage talked about like it was no big deal…or maybe it was just my own ignorance.

Unprepared for the deep sense of loss that I would feel - the loss of a relationship that I had developed in such a short time…a bond that was stronger than I imagined it would be with someone I hadn’t even met yet.

Unprepared for the insensitivity of others, who meant well, but only made things worse by saying things like: “Well, at least it wasn’t a real child…” or “At least you didn’t ever get to know it before you lost it…” or worse still, “Maybe God’s trying to tell you something…”

I was completely unprepared for how unprepared I felt.

I don’t know why this is on my mind today. Maybe because I’ve been sick all week and my mind has had too much time to think. It’s just that that experience was one that caused me to grow up and realize that life is full of opportunities…

Opportunities to go one way or the other. Opportunities to learn…to empathize with the pains and hurts of others. Opportunities to grow bitter…or better. Every lesson in life gives us the gift of seeing life through less clouded eyes - eyes that understand that everyone has pain…everyone has secrets…everyone has a story.

Life is filled with choices…with crossroads - things that we experience that can begin to define us.

One thing my miscarriage reminds me of when I think about it today, is that I want to be defined - not by my pain, not by my scars - but by how much I love. And every hurt is an opportunity for me to live more in love than I did before.

The past couple of years have held more hurts than I’ve ever experienced in the previous 30 plus years combined, and I’m learning and trying to embrace these hurts as more and more opportunities. I’ve been blessed with an abundance of opportunities to walk in love…remember grace…practice forgiveness. I’m not saying that I always choose to function in these, but God has seen fit to give me lots of practice.

So, today - the day after - I celebrate the pains of life. I embrace God’s grace that allows me to keep learning. I choose to learn to love more, forgive more, understand more…

…because we all have a story - and every day means that the story is not over yet!

So, here’s to learning, to growing…and to loving more and more. It truly does win - and it’s the only thing that can cover all the hurts and pain. They don’t disappear entirely, but they can become trophies of grace and reminders of mercy.

And it’s because of grace and mercy that I can love…and say, “it is well with my soul”…

…and it is.

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on January 31, 2008
in faith, life, life lessons, love and women
. 0 Comments

Fixing My Eyes

I’m thinking, tonight, about forgiveness…about letting go and moving forward.

I’m thinking about how bitterness can keep you stuck, like quick-sand - the more you fight and struggle, the more you sink.

I’ve felt bogged down in the mire of hurt and un-forgiveness…many times. And many times I’ve had to renew my resolve to look ahead, not behind…or even down at my present predicament.

I suppose it’s innate to the human condition to focus on what is…or what seems to be, rather than what lies ahead - to lose sight of the possible while running a constant mental list of the impossibilities.

But, peace comes after the letting go, and the rescuing comes after the surrender.

So, I choose to look forward…”forgetting what lies behind, I fix my eyes on the Author and Finisher of my faith”.

And what the Enemy means to use to harm me, I will surrender to God to use for His good. There is no room for bitterness in that.

I’ve had four babies - so I know what it means to “fix my eyes”, to focus on the goal and not the pain. It’s a choice of the will.

Many times my strength fails me, when I notice the “quick-sand”, when I feel the pain - and, it’s then that my struggle can cause me to look down. But, there’s no safety there…no peace, only panic.

It is in these times of struggle that I remember - “Fix your eyes. Look ahead. Let go. Be still. Forgive…surrender…know peace.” Then comes the rescue.

And I am freed to run to my Rescuer and make His mercy mine.

Peace.

Published
by
angiebledsoe
on October 5, 2007
in faith, life lessons, mercy and peace
. 0 Comments